For some reason , whenever im in New York, even if i sleep for only 5 hours, it feels like 10. As i sit here trying to shake the cobwebs from my brain, it slowly hits me that this entire year has led up to right now. Me even being here in NYC is a culmination of something i started way back in January...

January 2003:As 2003 started, i was returning from a trip to Chicago, that left me a little dazed and confused. Im not sure what it was, but suddenly i didnt feel the same way about things as i had before. Ive been known to flip moods in a flash at times, but this was something different. For the whole of 2002, I was involved in a long distance relationship, and though it gave me the stability i needed at the time, the stress of the back and forth, and just changes in the way i thought about my life, was leading to some dissension in my mind. Its hard to tell someone that you care about, and someone who obviously cares about you, that it just isnt enough. How do you tell someone whos let you into their home, and into their family, that you cant be a part of that any longer?

A nagging feeling ate away at me from morning, to night. The hours i spent sleeping , gave way to hours spent staring at the ceiling, wondering what it was i was supposed to do. I spent hours asking why things had to be this hard. I am alot of things, admittedly, but a heartbreaker isnt one of them. If anything i was always the one who got my heart broken. Add to that, the ghost of a love passed haunting my heart, and it became a highly problematic situation. H. and i hadnt ended up on horrible terms the way we had countless other times, but whatever the circumstance , it still resulted in me not hearing from her, since August 2002. Fine by me...i was better off without that chicks attitude anyway. She can be happy doing her thing, and i can be happy doing mine. At least thats what i figured...

It never works out that way though, as eventually the voices in my head, stopped being my own, and started taking on her familiar New York accent. When you havent talked to someone for months , and suddenly you start seeing thier smiling face on the bus, or hear random phrases from them in your head. It means one of two things, either you need therapy, or you missin the hell out of someone (which might lead to therapy anyway). I debated back and forth for weeks about calling , or not calling, emailing or not emailing, or just jumping from the nearest high building just to keep myself from thinking about it 24-7. At some point i did get up enough scrotum to actually dial the digits...and so it began again. Not on some "ohhhh i missed you baby" , because at this point , i was lucky not to get hung up on, but at least the lines of communication were (tentatively) open. I at least had someone i could talk to, and talk we did...

So between the ghost of Huny and the impending breakup with Courtney (in best Agent Smith voice : "It...was...inevitable"), i was stuck. I KNEW what Huny thought of the situation, so there was really no need in me asking, but suprisingly enough she played it extremely fair and impartial...in the end, it happened. I began the year by ending what had carried me through the last one.

February 2003 : No offense to the aforementioned ex girlfriend, but i felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Im not sure if it was the newness of being single again for the first time in a while, or what, but i felt pretty invincible for a period of time.While i didnt run the streets like a crazed porn star (breaking up is hard to do...), i had my share of fun, and made my share of new friends. Through the spring time , the cycle that had repeated itself, what seems like a million times, started up in full force again...

By the time April rolled around, i was steady getting hot and heavy with that damn woman again. Something i tried to escape to no avail.

"Just when i thought i was out....they pull me right back in..."

All cycles have a downturn however, and though i didnt want it, in my mind i knew that, unless something changed between her and I, the same fate that befell Courtney and I, would make its way to this relationship. Theres only so long you can go without seeing someone, before it becomes less of a relationship, and more internet pen pals. Besides She wasnt up for a relationship anyway, she was doing her single thing, and me barging in at the last second (the way i always do) wasnt gonna change that. That wasnt going to stop me from trying however. The circumstances of the situation intrigued me. The three day whirlwind in New York in May convinced me. Easily the best three days of my life, at least until the best 8 days of my life in late June. From Sunday to the following Monday, I partied, drank, and screwed my way into sweet oblivion. When i did get back to work on Monday, i got the news that i was promoted, and that maybe all the hard work and bullshit i went through didnt get unnoticed at all. Of course i stand here six months later, still wanting to quit my job, and mercilessly slaughter the people i work with.

Those first six months set the tone for the rest of the year, as most of it was spent either traveling back and forth to NY, or attempting not to commit mass murder at my place of employment. My job has worn me to shreds over the last six months, and for a while it turned me back into a person i didnt want to see again, but now finally im back at least halfway to where i want to be. Toss in a few fights , a few make ups, some money wasted , lots of liquor (and i mean LOTS) consumed and some lessons learned, and youve got my 2003. Half of it was spectacular, and half of it was about as painful as it could get, but overall its another year , im genuinely glad to have lived through. Sitting here, in the Bronx, looking across the computer table at a sleeping Huny, I feel like this is the beginning of what could be an amazing year. All the pieces are in place...now its time to play the game.

Im not one to make resolutions, because i resolve to do what i can do every single day of my life, but for the first time in a while, the New Year is something im anticipating, with a sense of purpose, instead of dreading, with a feeling of nothingness. Maybe this isnt going to be the year that the endless potential turns into an amazing reality, but at least it will be the year I take the first step.