I always end up in these situations where there are two huge choices for me to make, and one of them leads to me hurting myself or someone else. I live a life of duality (anyone that knows me or my personality can attest to that). It’s never cut and dry. It’s never just "this is the door...walk through." Its always, well here’s this door and here’s this other big shiny gold door, but that gold door might lead you down the road to ruin...

So i got this relatively large job offer the other day, and honestly anything that functions to get me out of the retail hell that is my job, id trip over myself running to get to it. The thing is, I've already committed myself to relocating sometime in the next couple months, partially because of the not-so-great job market here, and mostly because, well someone i care for greatly is away from me, and something just don’t seem right about that. If i take the job here, obviously moving away from it would be that much harder than what im already going through, with picking my life up and putting it somewhere else.

Now im faced the the prospect of a.)Having to spend ANOTHER 2 months at this place i hate, working for 50% less pay, and working 100% more ridiculous hours, or b.) Taking a job, which is way more lucrative, being able to put a nice stack of money away, but running the risk of going back on my word. I need money, but she needs me...and it hurts that i have to make a choice between the two, because in both i see the opportunity to get the life i never had, but in different ways.

Don’t get me wrong NY is where i want to be, but as someone who was born poor and only seemed to get poorer as life went on, when someone flashes green in front of your eyes, it’s hard to turn it down. The worst part of it all is that every cliché on earth is floating through my head...

"Everything that glitters isn’t gold..."
"Money isn’t everything..."
"Prepare for rain when the sun is shining... (that’s a Mama Richards special)"

and on and on and on...

The last two nights i tossed, turned, had nightmares, and woke up sweating, conflicted to my core. I don’t know what to do honestly. I have not a clue as to what’s going to happen. This is the part where some old jaded woman, who let the love of her life go, tells me to "follow my heart" This is one of those moments in the movie, where the guy gets everything he’s been praying for, and almost leaves behind what’s most important in the process, then, he sends the million dollar check back, to go home and live on his farm with his woman, and their cat. ALL in the name of love. They live happily ever after...

I guess im headed towards the concrete jungle rather than the farm, but pray that in the end, life is like the movies. I can’t handle another twist ending.